Intimate Partnerships -- Part 3 -- Emotional Barriers
Although we are celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary this year, I had a first marriage that failed. I learned about emotional battles during that marriage. My wife today and I have had a few heated moments, but I have learned more about the roots of our emotional roadblocks. We both are more secure and know ourselves better today than when we were in our twenties.
During discussions with our intimate partners, unexpected emotions arise. The strategic definition of a battle is a point of comparison when decisions are made. In battles between intimate partners, there are always two issues that need resolving. The minor one is always the problem at hand. The major one, the truly emotional one, is the future of the relationship.
Emotional Reactions
When emotions flare, we often do not know why, so we blame each other. This makes matters worse. It is best to think about these emotions as barriers, walls between us and our partners and walls within our own minds. Emotions can be out of proportion to the issue at hand. We can fight over smaller and smaller problems. Freud called this the neuroses of small differences, but the current problem is never the issue. The fear of intimacy, especially losing it, is the real barrier.
Emotional barriers are encountered frequently in our intimate relationships. This is unpleasant, but it is also an opportunity to become more trusting, more understanding, and more intimate. The question is: what is the best strategy to break down our walls to strengthen our relationship?
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